Realization: I’m Still Fat
I’ve been working really hard the past year and a half. My weight has gradually went down and I’m now sitting in the mid 280′s after being 390 pounds in January of last year. It’s kinda crazy looking at old photos on my AppleTV when we’re playing with the kids. We like to have it up showing photos and maybe playing music instead of having TV shows on all the time.
Anyhow, when I look at the old photos as they scroll by I’m struck with just how big I was. I look in the mirror or windows of passing buildings now and almost always do a double take because I look so different. I’m actually thin … well maybe not thin but I’m certainly a lot thinner than before. Unfortunately as I was reminded the other day I’m actually still quite fat.
It was one of those moments that instantly tears down your self image. I was riding my bike from my house to the local bike shop (LBS). It was about to start raining and my wife was meeting me there as I was dropping my bike off for the annual tuning (I have some unreachable high gears and no skills to fix it myself). We were planning on walking the kids and bike but the rain threw a kink in our plans.
Anyhow, I was flying along and coming up on an intersection with a 2-way stop but my direction had no stop and was clearly right of way. Some guy flys up to the stop from the mother direction, breaks, clearly sees me and then jerks forward, breaks again, and then guns it causing me to have to slam on the breaks else I crash into him. I was flabbergasted … he obviously saw me otherwise he wouldn’t have paused but why the heck did he gun it?
Anyhow, I holler “Nice Breaking!” at which point he flicks me off. Really? This was somehow my fault that he doesn’t know how to drive or follow the rules of the road? We then exchange some loud choice words (all while I’m still moving away) at which point he yells “Keep peddling tubby“.
Now I know this was all in anger but it shows people true perception of me as still being fat. I never thought of myself a being thin, more being thinner than I was. I’ve had a lot of people tell me I look great but this is the first time in a year and a half someone has called me a fat name.
It made me feel about two inches tall and very angry. Had he stopped his car I’m certain there would have been an altercation. More because of my bruised self ego than it being worth the trouble. In hindsight I know he was dumb and his insult was him acknowledging his mistake and grasping for something to insult me over.
I know I should have just moved on instead of yelling but all of the hindsight in the world doesn’t make me feel any better at someone still viewing me with a FAT label. I see that I’m not thin but I’ve come so far … I’m not quitting or anything and I didn’t binge but I still feel crappy and angry and self conscious again about myself in the mirror.
The first thing I did as I pulled up in front of the LBS was look in the window at my reflection. Was I that fat still? When will I have this damn fat stigma and label removed? It’s so frustrating and blows my mind, the whole situation and his reactions during it.
I’m just ranting now … sorry.
Have you had a similar thing happen to you on your journey? How did you handle it?
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I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t let someone else make you feel 2 inches tall. That jackass doesn’t know your accomplishments, but you, and many others, do. Hold your head high, know that he will always be a jackass and one day you won’t be “fat” anymore. I have this feeling quite often- I can be on the high of a good weight loss week and then see a picture of myself and flip out about how big I still am – even though I know the number on the scale still says I’m that big. It’s all a matter of how you choose to direct your energy. Choose to direct your anger into something productive. Don’t be down about it. Chin up!
Thank you, I certainly will use this to drive me and not bring me down. I usually use pictures of the old me to drive me but words like this tear first before they can be used as fuel.
THIS is what I wish I could write here right now.
That guy? You don’t want to know about that guy. He’s obviously not on speaking terms with himself.
You are. And you’re amazing because of it. Keep playing with those kids. That is going to be an awesome legacy.
.-= JourneyBeyondSurvival´s last blog ..Getting Educated =-.
Thank you for posting this piece and all of the kind words, it really helped. Seems like there is a lot of negative energy going around lately both online and off. We all just need to harness it and turn it into motivation.
Hearing something like that would be hurtful regardless of your size. But have you stopped to consider that you don’t really look fat? That he was having such a hard time thinking of a snappy comeback that he pulled THAT out of thin air? And then drove away thinking he was a total dumbass because the insult wasn’t even accurate? (Come on, am I the only one who has ever TOTALLY failed to think of a good comeback and said something stupid or dorky?!?!)
Regardless, here’s to how healthy you are now. First, you didn’t eat your frustration or hurt away; instead you came here to talk about it. You are turning to friends who KNOW you for help and support, and learning to realize that all the validation you need comes from inside you. Not some doofus who doesn’t even know how to drive.
.-= SeattleRunnerGirl´s last blog ..Listening to my Body =-.
You have a good point, he might have just grasped at a remark he just happened to hit a nerve. I to have done that
I appreciate all of the support from everyone. Sometimes things like this may seem small to some but they can eat at you and reading kind and supportive words can really help motivate and drive me. Thanks again!
People like that are hurting inside. That’s why they say things like that.
On another topic, glad to hear about the bike, and I’d like to hear more!
I certainly do plan to post more on the biking, especially as I approach my goal and pull the trigger on a new road bike.
As others have said, don’t let the random jerk get you down, they obviously had issues of their own. Luckily I haven’t personally experienced a similar situation, but it’s obvious that some people are just very mean-spirited. Whether that’s his defense mechanism against some short-coming of his own or something else, I wouldn’t worry about it. He’s not worth it.
Just focus on the positive. You have made amazing progress so far. Maybe you’re not at your goal weight yet, but that doesn’t negate the importance of all the hard work you’ve done. Keep it up man, you’re doing great.
.-= Brandon´s last blog ..Weekly weigh-in #21 =-.
Sean, I play roller hockey and there is plenty of trash talking in organized sports. I’ve lost over 100 pounds as well and thought the fat a$$ insults I’ve been the target of for years were behind me. I’ve only got 20-30 pounds to my target weight and think I already look pretty fit. I had a game a few nights ago where I was once again called a fat a$$. I didn’t worry about it too much. It just shows the lack of intelligence and originality that the moron that attempted to insult me has. I just went out and scored 3 goals and added a couple assists. You are doing awesome. Don’t let some random, moronic nobody knock you down. You are way better than that. Keep up the hard work!
There’s idiots everywhere so you just got to shut them out and not let them bug you.
I’ve been fortunate not to have to deal with that so far and wish you and others wouldn’t have to either!
Jeez, what a jerk. I had a hurtful comment at the gym that I posted about a while ago – a guy at the gym said I looked like I was throwing up my food I lost so much weight and that I had basically no boobs left! I felt bad for about a day and kept looking at myself in the mirror and questioning myself. Then I realized it’s just not worth the time and energy. Who knows why that person said that to you, but I guess the feelings will pass, and you just keep doing what you know is right.
You know every morning I see you on Loseit and am inspired by your amazing progress. I love seeing how your weight has been steadily going down since we’ve been friends on there. So that’s what I think and who cares what that loser says!
First of all as a cyclist that really pisses me off. More fundamentally though I want to let you know that I completely identify. I’ve lost 20% of my body weight and still fall in the obese category. We will get there, though, one bike ride and food choice at a time
.-= Sarah Root´s last blog ..I’m worried about you =-.